Sunday, November 2, 2008

Like Granddaughter; Like Papa

and yes that is the correct order.
We found out a couple of weeks ago that my dad has a tumor in his left kidney (Savannah's was in her right). This is why I have been a little MIA in the blogging world. Everything I have wanted to blog has been down right depressing and really who wants to read all of that.

He had some additional tests and found out that there is also a little spot on his right kidney but the doctors don't seem really concerned about it. Thankfully it is no where else; they checked his lungs and his bones. When we found Savannah's it had already metastasized to both of her lungs.

It amazes me how slow the doctors seem to move with adults. When we found Savannah's tumor it was removed within 36 hours. When they remove Dad's on Friday it will have been 3 weeks exactly since we found out. It is very frustrating.

The thought of sitting in a hospital waiting room waiting for my dad to come out of a surgery that is so close to the surgery my daughter had is very stressful. I have never been the type of person to have anxiety but I find myself having lots of anxiety over this. I know that my parents would totally understand if I decide that being at the hospital is too much for me. However I also know that I would go totally nuts not being there.

Yesterday was the 3 month anniversary of Savannah's death and it has been a very hard weekend for me. I carried Lady with me to every door that the kids knocked on for trick or treating, I held her all during church today. I blubbered like a baby every time someone looked at me today.

It is so hard to believe that she has been gone 3 months. I wish I could hold her again (which I suppose is why I have been carrying her bear around like I'm a 2 year old). I wish I could feel her soft skin and kiss her warm cheek. My arms ache to hold her and snuggle her. My heart feels like it is going to break in two.

Some dear friends gave Savannah a beautiful wind chime for her birthday, she wasn't well enough to open it, so she never saw it; Kiara and Donovan opened it on her birthday. They gave it to her because, like the wind, you can't see the Holy Spirit but you feel its effects everyday. With all of the wind we have had lately her wind chime blows day and night (it hangs outside my bedroom window), it is the most beautiful, clearest tone. Every time I hear it I think of her and smile, she would have loved it.


Memories by Melissa Photography said...

........we love you...........

Memories by Melissa Photography said...

Hee, hee...I'm on YOUR lap top!!

Ashley said...

Hey this is your cousin! Hope you don't mind that I blog stalked you. Just wanted to let you know that I am sending my love, prayers and faith to be with you and your family. You might not feel very strong one who has been "watching" from afar...what an example of strength you have been to me!

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you and your family. Your faith will get you through, it always does and you never cease to amaze me! Your blogs are so heartfelt, poignant and deep that I find it a joy to read them! Never question how you are feeling or think it wrong.
All my love
Melissa, MCCP

crystalvoice said...

It's times like these when I wish most to be "home" again, if only to help my friends in need of a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. I know you have many wonderful friends there helping you through this, which makes being away a little easier. My prayers are forever with you. Your friend in Utah!

Nicki said...

You can always tell us how you're feeling. Even when it's depressing. Smile!